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Is this jock on holiday in France last year?
Here is a top tip: Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
Malcolm from Countesthorpe
get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout
at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is
out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get
home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is
one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does
annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice
cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I
do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Dear Sollos
Last month floods where such a laugh we rang up people in Tewkesbury and made ‘Glug’ ‘glug’ ‘glug’ noises - have you ever played a flood related a prank on your neighbour?
Steve From Knighton
Dear Steve
I recently climbed onto my neighbour's roof and dangled a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He thought his house is underwater.
Dear Sollos
I am in the Girls rugby team have you any advice as the boys always stare at us when we are training.
Amy from Glen Parva
Dear Amy
Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Dear Sollos
I am a farmer and I am having trouble with barbed wire cutting my pigs - can you help?
Farmer Giles Stoney Stanton
Dear Farmer Giles
Yes stick small beads on the barbs all around your farm and that will solve you ovine problem or alternatively Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Dear Sollos
When the guy who invented drawing boards messed up what did he go back to?
Mathew from Thurnby Lodge
Dear Sollos
I rang the local Indian take away and asked if they deliver. They said they did so I asked for a liver Curry. They went spare.
Baggy from Leicester
Dear Sollos
I am worried; could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Gary from Great Glen
Dear Sollos
Do you think infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Rachael from Corby
Dear Sollos
Do vampires get AIDS?
Smiggy from Broughton Astley
Dear Sollos
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Buddy from Arkansas
Dear Sollos
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Scotty from Perth
Dear Sollos
I was reading the obituaries yesterday - how does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
Dear Sollos
My mum is a born again Christian
Stig from Kirby Muxloe
Dear Stig
Does she have two bellybuttons?
Dear Sollos
Me and the missus were debating the purchase of a new car for weeks. I wanted a new truck and she wanted a fast little sports like car so she could zip through traffic around town. I would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of our price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 120 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, I bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.
She is not happy.
Basil from Northampton
Dear Sollos
I read recently that a thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. How could he mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error - what an idiot.
Sollos says
Maybe he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to write this.)
I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
Dear Sollos
Last week my girl asked me to come over on Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, she announced to me that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . I was ecstatic, but I had never had sex before, so I went to the pharmacist to get some condoms. I told the pharmacist it was my first time and the pharmacist helped me out for about an hour. He told me everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asked me how many condoms I would like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. I insisted on the family pack because I said I reckoned I would be rather busy, it being our first time and all.
That night, I showed up at the girl's parents house and met my girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' She said. I went inside and was taken to the dinner table where my girl's parents are seated. Then I quickly offered to say grace and bowed my head.
A minute passes, and I am still deep in prayer, with my head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from me.
Finally, after 20 minutes with my head down, my girlfriend leans over and whispers in my ear, “I had no idea you were this religious.”.
I turned, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.!”
Mac from New Parks
Dear Sollos
I work in a tanning studio and the other day someone left a tin of tan paint in the sun light. At about 3 O’clock in a crowded shop, the tin suddenly exploded. I can tell you there were red faces all round.
Naomi from Evington
Dear Naomi
I know, I was there and I am pretty browned off!
Dear Sollos
I have just returned from Fiji where the Prince was in the middle of a coup. He hid his thrown in the attic of his tribal hut but at the worst possible time it fell through the ceiling killing a number of his subjects. What do you think of that?
Seru Makaabtullickiwhackeri
Dear Seru
People is grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Dear Sollos
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Chinny From Enderby.
Fitzy from Wigston tells us about an incident that happened on a recent Colts tour.
During their 2006 Colts tour of Australia, the team tried all sorts of devious methods to get freebie phone calls through to their girlfriends back home. The players resorted to tricks like asking restaurant proprietors if they could use the phone - and then calling the other side of the world when the proprietor thought they were ringing a local number. The then No 8 Matt Hall - a not-so-bright member of the team opted for a different tactic at the reception that followed the first match in Brisbane. He picked up the house phone, got through to the hotel switchboard and barked out his home number in Wigston. ‘’To whom do I charge the call?’’ asked the operator. ‘’Err…Mr Lee Simmonds,’’ mumbled Matt, figuring he could get the scrum half to pick up the tab. ‘’Please remain by the phone for a moment, Mr Simmonds, and I’ll call you back,’’ came the reply. Matt replaced the receiver and got back to the business of drowning his sorrows after a rare defeat. By the time the call came through a few minutes later, he was in another world. ‘’Ullo,’’ said Matt. ‘’I have a call to South Wigston for Mr Lee Simmonds,’’ confirmed the operator. Matt took a quick look around. ‘’He’s not here,’’ he said, and hung up.
Whilst Jock from Enderby wants to know:
What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice?
Papa Brookes from Whetstone recalls Steve Harris joining the club in the late 70's
A groupie girl outside the Vipers Club eyed up the teams new 2nd Row hero - and liked what she saw. ‘’Hiya, big boy,’’ she said to burly Steve Harris, her eyes settling on the most personal part of the 6ft 5in forward’s anatomy. ‘’Tell me, are you built in proportion all over?’’ ‘’Listen, lady,’’ replied Steve in his clipped Glen Parva tones. ‘’If I was built in proportion, I’d be 12ft 10!’’
We received this through the post from one of the elder statesman at the club
Dear Sollos today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense
took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your
own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. '
Ask Sollos is becoming a bit stale so please address your Mail to 'Talk to Frank'. We did discuss an agony aunt page from Aunty Nicky (the bar maid from hell) but the committee decided that most of her answers would be unprintable!.
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